I’m typing this from Crete.  Where I will spend the next 5 months, or longer.  The Mediterranean Sea beckons mere steps from my apartment, the smells and sounds of new adventures and experiences entice.  And something is not right.  My world is in a state of turmoil, my mind is racing, I am anxious, worried, moderately despondent even…it’s that pesky brain taking over again.

Shut.  Up.  Brain.photo-3-300x300

I’ve been dreaming, planning, working so very hard to get here for a number of years.  It’s been the goalpost, the vision, the reason for pushing so hard to systemize, get the right people on the bus, set everything up “just so”.

And so here we are.  All that planning, hard work, visualizing, dreaming…of course it happened.  Of course we’re here.  It’s not luck.  It’s not anything but an absolute, unwavering, burning purpose and focus.

Yeah.  But what now?

What is it about “goal setting” that actually sets us up for anti-climax?  The goal is achieved, and the let-down is a little bit like boxing day.  Of course there is the deep sigh of satisfaction, the momentary high from actually being on top of the mountain that you’ve been climbing for so bloody long.  But I’m finding myself suddenly suffering from the learned need for goals, plans, agendas, missions, benchmarks…purpose.  And why is that?

I want to stop.  I want nothing more than just to be.  To stop feeling “necessary” as some part of a system, an organization, a family, a society.  I want to just exist.  To watch the waves, smell the experience, wait for whatever finds me next.

There’s a lot of “un-learning” that has to happen over the next several months.  Over the rest of my life, in fact.  It’s funny – I’ve been discussing “plans” and “the future” with my teenage son.  And I know how important it is to decide what you want, to pursue it with everything you have inside of you, and to get what you choose.  There is no reason in the world that we can’t have everything and anything we want – of course it takes focus and work.  The more we want, the harder we must focus.  But with that single-mindedness, that drive and concentration, can come a myopic perspective.  A sense of imbalance.  At least that’s what I’ve experienced.

My work, our business, has been my everything for so long, I sometimes feel I’ve forgotten how to “live”.  And now here I am – exactly where I planned to be.  And I have no idea how to just “be” here.

Not a horrible problem to have, I know.  But it’s an interesting dilemma.  Should I spend my time learning to “live” or should I spend my time getting where I think I want to be next?

I imagined I was better at enjoying the journey than I’ve come to realize I actually am.  Time to stop for a while.  I know how I want to “feel” and that has to be enough.

We’ll see where the wind takes me from here…

No plans.  No goals.  No worries.

Just be.

That’s what now.

Written by:  Willow Enewold